Listening - Your Superpower #3

Vitally Important, Rarely Taught

As a young second lieutenant in the army, my senior subaltern shadowed me for a day, not saying a word, just observing. At the end of the day, he had only one advice for me, “You need to listen more.”

A wise old owl lived in an oak,

The more he saw the less he spoke,

The less he spoke, the more he heard,

Why aren’t we all like that old bird?

Let’s first examine why we prefer speaking over listening. There are three (ok five 😀 ) probable reasons:

1. Speaking is easy. It requires much less mental effort compared to listening. It’s like printing a document that is on our computer; we just have to say it out loud what we know / believe.

2. Listening is hard. The new information entering our brain needs to be processed and integrated with our existing knowledge to improve our understanding. Further, if this new info is counter to our beliefs then the resulting conflict needs to be resolved. This is serious effort.

3. We are wired to seek status. The most confident speaker claims the most status.

4. World is a confusing place. We constantly try to make sense of what’s happening. We crave for certainty (which is elusive). We yearn for meaning in this chaos - outside and in our head. When we speak about what we know, we rally for support. When others agree with us, it confirms our thinking, making us believe that we can make sense of this confusing world.

5. Humans have a deep-seated desire to be right. Validation of our ideas boosts our self-esteem. It gives us a sense of control over situations reducing uncertainty and anxiety. Being right is associated with smartness and being wrong is embarrassing. We seek validation from others by demonstrating our correctness.

All right! We take pride in our knowledge, and we want to stay true to our beliefs. But loyalty to an idea / opinion / thought may prevent our growth. Listening more may make us feel vulnerable but it opens the door to welcome fresh insights.

Adam Grant in his book “Think Again”, mentions about his colleague Phil Tetlock, who discovered something interesting. Adam says “As we think and talk, we often slip into the mindsets of three different professions: preachers, prosecutors, and politicians. In each of these modes, we take on a particular identity and use a distinct set of tools. We go into preacher mode when our sacred beliefs are in jeopardy: we deliver sermons to protect and promote our ideals. We enter prosecutor mode when we recognize flaws in other people’s reasoning: we marshal arguments to prove them wrong and win our case. We shift into politician mode when we’re seeking to win over an audience: we campaign and lobby for the approval of our constituents. The risk is that we become so wrapped up in preaching that we’re right, prosecuting others who are wrong, and politicking for support that we don’t bother to rethink our own views.”

To rethink our views, we need to be curious. We need to ask question and we need to listen more. Listening is truly underrated. We need to begin harnessing this superpower at an early age.

Let’s quickly see how can we improve our listening.

The four elements of good listening are

1. Offer undivided attention,

2. Offer non-verbal cues of attention (eye contact, nods, expressions etc.),

3. When processing what the speaker is trying to communicate don’t think about how will you respond, and;

4. Respond by asking follow up questions and offering your views.

The difference between hearing and listening is attention; being present. This may be difficult in the age of devices, yet respect is what makes the other party feel understood and valued.

Listening is a Gift

People want to talk about when they are in pain, in doubt, or are struggling. The feeling of needing to express themselves when they are going through something tough is normal.

Our default response is to use reason and provide solutions.

When people seek advice, they usually just want someone to hear them out. Being a good listener—someone who pays attention, asks questions, and doesn't rush to talk—can really help calm someone's worries.

We simply need to show our love by giving our full attention to the other person and listening carefully to what they have to say.

Surprisingly, listening strengthens relationships.

In Summary

The most helpful thing you can do for someone seeking advice is to listen, because it shows them that they are important.

The best way to help someone who's worried is to spend time with them and show them you care. Tell someone you love them, without words. By listening.